Uncle Ed's Sayins / by Melissa Swantkowski

How Uncle Ed Can Talk Anybody Outta Doin' Something Stupid

Bless your heart.

Quit dancin' around like you got chiggers in your britches now and tell Uncle Ed the truth.

You're bein' bout as useful as tits on a tractor.

I'm just saying. Bless your lil...Ain't no shame in a woman cryin'.

You know I live by a man cain't afford but two beers deserves a third. Go run down that cooler and fetch me one 'for I listen to your nonsense.

Shug, you could ruin a two car funeral with that frown. Pop one 'em open.

Whad I tell you last time? If bullfrogs had wings they wouldn't bump asses when they jumped.

Bless that heart. Blessit. You all off kilter. Put both oars in the water and row, now.

The sun cain't shine on the dog's tail all the time.

Well, hon, I'm just saying. He's uglier than a mud fence.

I'm just gonna say, you gotta watch out. You lie like a no-legged dog.

I done said already I can smell it worse than two cats fightin'.

I'm not sayin nothin at all 'cept if I's the one fell in a bucket a titties wouldn't be me coming out sucking my thumb.

Bless your heart, I don't mean nothing by that. You gotta let your get skin thicker than a chicken on a nest a water moccasins you wanna get anywhere good.

That boy ain't got nothing but a thumpin' gizzard for heart. You ask your mama what a gizzard good for.

Like I told your sister, you gotta skin a snake 'for you can get to the meat.

Now listen up. Just 'cause you put two kids the oven don't make 'em buiscuts.

That's right. Go'on. Bless your heart. No difference tween you and me 'cept god's love.